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16 entries this month
While I can...20:23 Oct 29 2007
Times Read: 813
OK, hopefully my internet connection will hold out long enough for me to type this. Been having tons of trouble with it. Drops in connection, not loading webpages...hopefully the new modem i've ordered will rectify all that...
Anyway, went for a job interview as a link builder for MoneySupermarket.com on frinday. got back from the interview at 4, then at 4.15 I got a phone call offering me the job! I start on the 12th Nov at 9am. Its good money, the same as what I was on at Lloyds, and great prospects and bonuses. Plus, 10 days off at xmas!
Unfortunately I had to get 'posh' clothes for it - shirts, regular pants and a 'grown-up' skirt...still, there's dress-down day every friday so I can still be myself for part of the time! At least i'm not having to wear cream double-layer nylon and green pants anymore...
Rambling16:08 Oct 21 2007
Times Read: 817
Jsut updated my profile a bit. Decided to put the main info in a box which might make it a bit easier to read. Thinking about changing the font too, much as I like it I admit it is a little hard to read in size 3. I could enlarge it but I can't bear large text on profiles. I'm too conscious of my pro being user-friendly. After all, if you're expecting people to rate you, its only fair that you'll give them something they can read!
But i'm at a loose end. I can't do any coding, graphics or gaming cos everything on my pc has been shuffled round ready for the big overhaul so my programs have been disabled. So i'm stuck between being on here or watching TV...and there's nothing on. Problem is, i'm itching to start re-designing some coven pages but I can't do that without Photoshop...which is disabled. GRRR!
Now if I just used generated graphics instead of being so pernickety about only using my own, I could do the pages. Nope. Once I start doing that i'll get lazy, then I'll get out of practice...I already feel guilty for not making my own background for this months journal...
Dammit I need food. Sometimes I forget to eat when I'm on this thing...who says you gain weight on a sedentary lifestyle? I think i've lost a stone since giving up my job...
Its all over...14:03 Oct 21 2007
Times Read: 820
Izzy finally passed away last night. She was cold when Gav got up this morning so it must have happened not long after we went to bed. We had a sense she was going to go so last night Gav and I both held her and said goodbye. I'll miss her, she was really affectionate and loved her cuddles, and would always come to the front of the cage for a stroke and to lick our fingers. But I'm glad she's not in pain anymore.
Luckily, our remaining 3 rats, Greebo Jenks and Smudge, are all going strong. Greebo, the oldest, still looks as young as she did when I got her 18 months ago, albeit a fair bit bigger! I'll miss her the most of all when she does go...
RIP Izzy xxx
PRIVATE ENTRY
14:47 Oct 19 2007
Times Read: 842
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
La la la
14:20 Oct 19 2007
Times Read: 840
I'm actually in a good mood today! I think the anti-deps are finally kicking in...Been messaging all the people on my friends list as they come online, I think it's important to stay in touch with people if you've added them to your list. Thats why I only have people on there who I do actually talk to. Not that I have much to talk about, but I know the gesture means something.
I've gotta completely wipe and restore my PC hard drive this weekend. Borrowing my friends 160GB external drive to store my files on while i'm wiping mine, which desperately needs doing as i've gotten viruses from somewhere. I've got a new website to make for my wrestling club, as well as a couple updates for this profile, and because of the virus my HTML editor keeps shutting itself down. I could just do the whole thing in notepad, but I like the preview section on my editor. I like to see what i'm doing each step of the way so I can tell what looks good and what doesn't. You don't get that option with notepad.
I've also got plans for my coven (the one i'm gonna create when I finally get to sire I mean) so I want to get some pages built for that too. I need to do a couple of external pages which i'm gonna host on my personal site.
I've been drafted to work security at my mates rock night tonight - my first time out in about 2 months. I'm shitting bricks but I know it's gotta be done, I don't wanna turn into a recluse! Besides, there's only gonna be people I know there, so I'll be ok.
This is just a basic rambling entry of the sort that never interests anyone, and nobody ever bothers reading. Everybody knows that the only sections that interest others are the ones that bitch about people on here! But filling in this is very therapeutic. I can't keep a paper journal because I can't write that much by hand because of RSI.
Decided to color-code it. I'm gonna have a different wllpaper for each month, with co-ordinated text. I don't know whether i'm going to do each section or not, we'll see. I'm not going back and doing previous months though, too much work! Just doign it form now on.
Damn insomnia
05:25 Oct 18 2007
Times Read: 843
Well, it's now 5.22am and i'm still wide awake. I've made a few new friends from being on all night, so it does have its up side! And my journal is getting fuller and fuller...
On the downside, i'm going to be flake out all day tomorrow, and it's Gav's day off too. I guess i'll snatch a couple hours kip about 7am and that should keep me going. He's off to training tomorrow night so I can get an early night then.
There was something else I was going to say...but I can't remember...
03:03 Oct 18 2007
Times Read: 847
I've been sitting with Izzy on a cushion on my lap for the last hour, stroking her and willing her to 'go to sleep'. I can't stand to see her suffering anymore. She had a spasm not long ago, I thought she'd finally gone, and she definitely stopped breathing. I couldn't feel her little heart beating either. But then she kind of - coughed - and started breathing again. I've never known a rat be so addicted to life before! But now she literally cannot move. She's all floppy, and aside from the erratic breathing and faint heartbeat you'd think she was actually dead.
I would say I don't think she'll last the night, but i've been saying that for about a week now...As awful as it sounds, I just want her to die now. She's suffering way too much, and I feel cruel letting her keep on suffering just because I can't bring myself to commit euthanasia.
I wrote this spell to ease her passing, but either because I haven't done a spell for ages or because i'm not a P Halliwell, it's not worked! Or maybe she just wants to stay alive to be stubborn...she always was a stubborn little thing...
The time has come for you to part
Dearly beloved, still your heart
End your suffering, end your pain
Go in peace, be free again
Ratty Pics01:56 Oct 18 2007
Times Read: 857
Just snapped these really cute pictures of Greebo taking her turn at looking after Izzy.
This was how they were when I first opened the cage, Greebo looks to have her arm around Izz.
Greebo then started washing Izzy's poorly eye. Ican tell she still has some sight left in her right eye, because of the redeye. Thankfully.
But don't they look cute?! Greebo's the oldest rat so she's kind of like the mother to the pack. Except for when she ate Chooey...
Insomnia...
01:25 Oct 18 2007
Times Read: 858
Don't know whats the matter with me. I can't seem to get to sleep at all when it's dark. I used to be able to fall asleep whenever I wanted to, but not lately. A couple nights ago, I didn't get to sleep till 7am, then managed to sleep in till 1pm. Wed morning I woke up at 8.30 am, after getting to sleep around 2.30am, and now it's 1.15 am on Thurs and I'm wide awake still.
Gav's dead to the world after taking his medication, and i'm seriously thinking about taking one too, even though I don't actually need that particular drug (drowsiness is just a side effect). I really don't want to ask the Doc for sleeping pills. Hell, if need be I've got antihistamines lying around somewhere, I could pop a couple of those. Thats all most non-prescription sleeping pills are anyway.
But I really hate taking pills unless I have to. It's bad enough having to take Cilest and Citalopram. When I was in the pharmacy i'd see people of all ages comeing in with scripts for 7,8 or more pills a day, and I really couldn't imagine loading myself up with that much. I don't even like taking co-codamol unless the pain is really bad (paracetamol doesn't touch me at all).
But I know i've gotta try and get myself into a regular sleep pattern for when I start working again. Its difficult at the moment because i'm not working, so my mind automatically thinks I can stay up as late as I want, and refuses to switch off.
I've tried meditation but I always get prickly heat when I do that, or Gav turns over and starts talking about bunches of wimps in his sleep.
I've tried making up stories in my head, which used to work when I was a kid, but now they just get me itching to either type them up, or act them out.
I've tried counting sheep (the old cliché) but the thought of all that wool makes me itch.
Normally reading until I can't keep my eyes open works, but now i'm getting through 2 or 3 books a night.
I tried planning out my Coven pages for when I finally make Sire, but that just made me want to get up and start coding. So I did.
Maybe I should get a job working nights...
Update on Izzy
18:17 Oct 17 2007
Times Read: 861
Well, she's still alive - just. But we think she's totally blind now. Her right eye hasn't gone manky like her left one, but it's gone completely black, whereas she used to have a spot of red in the centre. Her breathing has really slowed down and she's not moved all day, except to roll over when Gav came home - thats now her way of saying hello...
At least i've had time to accept the fact she's not gonna be here much longer. With Missy, Chooey and Penny it was all so sudden.
I still get upset about Missy sometimes. I never thought i'd miss a kitten so much! Haven't been down to her grave yet, I just hope the little bastards that live around here haven't touched it. I don't think they will have, it's pretty out of the way, and disguised. You wouldn't know it was there unless you knew where to look.
We will be getting another kitten at some point, once we've got our older cat checked out to make sure she's got nothing that could've killed Missy. But as for the rats, we're just gonna wait until all 4 are dead and get a couple of show rats instead. They grow to the size of guinea pigs so they should be fun! Might even start showing them prooperly...
What is language coming to?
14:28 Oct 17 2007
Times Read: 866
What is with the word 'Pwn'? To think a spelling mistake on a game would cause so much hype! I know it originally was supposed to be 'own' as in 'I own your ass in this game', but to me it just says 'I want to sell you to a shop in order to buy you back later'. I hate it I hate it I hate it!
And L33t. Oh my gods. Please save us! Yes, hackers using it = fine. Thats what it's meant for. But are you seriously trying to get me to believe that the 15 year old VV|-|0 74|_>< |_ik3 |)I5* is actually capable of hacking? I think not.
*In proper language = 'Who talks like this' It physically pained me to type that.
11:24 Oct 17 2007
Times Read: 869
Just been told that i'm in the running for a job as a Funeral Arranger! I went for the interview months ago, and they've been waiting for references to come back all this time. I gave them a ring on the offchance today, and it turns out that they do still want to offer me the job, and the refs are all thats holding them up. So fingers crossed, I might get my dream job!
Izzy's still alive, though I don't know for how much longer. She can't move, she spends all day lying on her side, and can barely eat or drink. But she's trying, bless her. When I pick her up she's snuffling around trying to cuddle up closer to me. The others are taking it in turns to sit with her. They obviously know she's not long for this world...
An improvement
11:45 Oct 14 2007
Times Read: 873
Izzy's still battling. She's a little fighter, bless her! Her left eye scabbed over on friday night, but that fell off today and now its just back to being cloudy. Safe to say she can't see out of it anymore, but her right eye seems to be ok, if a little bulgy.
She still can't walk properly. She's got mobility in her left legs, but she doesn't seem to want to move them. I think she's got a tumour that's hindering the signals form her brain to her limbs, which would also explain why her left eye has died. I've seen a site about physiotherapy so I might try that on her. She seems ok in every other sense. I think she might actually pull through this!
Just a matter of time...
23:40 Oct 12 2007
Times Read: 876
Izzy's been ill for some time now. First of all it was just her head that seemed to be tilting to the left a little, but as she could still walk relatively straight we figured she just had a little infection and it would clear up.
Then we noticed her tongue was lolling out her mouth on the left side, so realised it'd probably been a mild stroke, which they can get, and normally rights itself in about a week.
But it's been nearly that now, and I noticed this afternoon that her left eye is...for want of a better term, looking diseased and dead. It's bulging out, has some sort of weird film over it, and has a red spot in the middle. She now can't walk, she keeps rolling over when she tries as if she's lost all sense of balance, and seems to be having trouble eating and drinking. I'm now thinking she has a tumour.
Her breathing seems ok, maybe a little faster than normal, but she's not making any whimpering noises or anything like the others did.
But, I think it's just a matter of time. I doubt she'll last the night. I can't even get a kiss out of her now, and up to yesterday she was the most affectionate one. The oldest one is keeping by her, as if to protect her, but I'm expecting to find her dead by the morning. Hell, i'm even contemplating culling her to end her misery, but I don't think I could actually bring myself to kill one of my babies...
This would have to happen when Gav goes out!
**update at 02.58am**
Izzy's getting worse. She's barely moving now. I cradled her for a bit, and she was making weird chuntering noises, she sounded like she was in pain. If only she could talk! I just wish her suffering would end, but I can't bring myself to do it.
Why?
22:56 Oct 10 2007
Times Read: 888
Why am I worried? It's not like anything will happen. It's probably perfectly innocent. It's just the fact that she's referred to as a 'gobshite' and he doesn't seem the slightest bit interested, and yet he'll still talk to her. He hid part of the conversation from me too. If someone messages me on there that I don't want to talk to, I just block them. It's easy done. So....why?
I'm getting the paranoia back again.
All new
00:28 Oct 02 2007
Times Read: 908
Decided to change my hair color. Used to be bright red with black front bits, but i've put a semi black on so now its a dark brown with black front bits. Taking some getting used to, but I feel much less conspicuous now, which considering the last few weeks is a good thing. Also decided to change my name on here, because carnalxviolence was just way too long! I've been reading Monstrous Regiment by Terry Pratchett and there's a character in that called Maladict, so I just altered it slightly. Then after changing it on here, I find out there's a band called Maledicta. Course, now everyone's gonna be thinking i've named myself after them...I haven't, honestly!
Of course, there are some who think that changing your name is a perfectly valid reason for downrating. I'm not mentioning names. They know who they are. I will just say this: If you feel the need to downrate out of a petty reason like this, you need to think carefully about what rating actually means. If I rated solely according to attitude, there'd be a fair few of you getting 1's.
*update*I'm a little annoyed about the database. I'd gone through everything in there and rated the lot, only to find that the ratings don't carry over when you change your name. Not what it says on the confirmation screen! Still, doing it all over again will give me chance to up my pages and time.
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